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The big 'rona

So, I think I have an idea for the first Covid-19 feel-good movie. Just remember you read about it here first.

The film opens in the near future. A safe, effective vaccine for the coronavirus has been developed. The catch is…it takes a full 12 months to cook up a million doses. And (in a stretch of the imagination that can only happen in the movies) the doses aren’t prepared in small batches and distributed as they are made. Oh no, it takes a full 12 months and BAM! you’ve got a million doses. 12 months later BAM! You’ve got another million doses…etcetera, etcetera. And, of course, the technology and recipe can’t be duplicated by anyone else. It needs a pinch of vibranium (or another equally rare ingredient found only in a certain location by pigs or specially trained dogs.) Or something like that.

Ben (Wilford Brimley), Joe (Hume Cronyn) and Art (Don Ameche) in the 1988 movie "Cocoon". Yes they were old then, too.
Ben (Wilford Brimley), Joe (Hume Cronyn) and Art (Don Ameche) in the 1988 movie "Cocoon". Yes they were old then, too.

So who gets the first million doses? Hilarity ensues as we see various countries and factions jockeying for position. Doctors, lawyers, k-pop stars, politicians, everyone thinks they deserve a piece of the first batch.

The small pharma company that controls the process decides to give the first batch of doses to the most vulnerable population: old people. There’s they usual skullduggery as some people try to obtain doses for themselves but, for the most part, the vaccine reaches the intended patients.

Here’s where the real hilarity ensues: Senior citizens thumbing their noses at millennials and all the Alphabet Gens as they sit in bars, restaurants, amusement parks, rock concerts (where the acts are all of-age classic rockers – think of the sound track!)

There’s nothing the younger folks can do but wait their turn as they get madder and madder. I haven’t figured out a proper ending for it. (Perhaps the oldsters finally say “We’ve had our fun, you can have the vaccine.” Maybe not. It’s a work in progress).

It’s a guaranteed smash, though. Old people doing wacky things are comedic gold. Think Clara Peller and “Where’s the Beef?” Or the rappin’ granny from The Wedding Singer.  Baby boomers will flock to the theater…..maybe not yet…but they will stream the hell out of it because we’ve had just about enough of  “Okay Boomer.”

Ron Howard…call me. Cocoon 2 didn’t do so well. Here’s your chance for a do-over.

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